Author/Actress Amy Wilson Tells Perpetual “People Pleasers” It’s OK to say “No” Sometimes

“I’d tell myself, ‘You got this, Mama!’ even when I most certainly did not.”

So says Amy Wilson—published author, Webby-honored podcaster, Broadway and television actor, and NYC mom—in her latest book, Happy to Help: Adventures of a People Pleaser, an essay collection about how you can be the one everyone else depends on and still be struggling.

I read her stories with interest as I, too, know from being an overextended Manhattan matriarch.

When my two now-adult children were school-age, the notepads on my home office desk had in their right-hand corner a Betty Draper-type holding a sheet of cookies with the caption: “Stop me before I volunteer again.”

“Happy to Help: Adventures of a People Pleaser” is not just a series of tales about being the class mom at two different schools or what to do when the bake sale and the science fair at the aforementioned rival institutions fall on the same day and time.

Wilson goes deeper. “When an overachiever becomes overwhelmed and asks for help, what that person usually receives back is advice to do less or go with the flow. None of which is helpful.”

The answer is not about slacking off or caring less. Says Wilson, “I hope readers will understand that when life becomes too much to handle, there just might be something that needs to be fixed besides yourself.”

Straus Media caught up with the busy writer to discuss the whys and wherefores of being happy to help and how saying “no” can sometimes be its own kind of bravery.

So, what’s the real issue with being happy to help? That women don’t know how to say “no,” or that other people seem to take advantage of helpful people?

It’s a little bit of both, but where it becomes uniquely difficult for women is that when we say, “This is too much,” because we’ve always been identified as the capable ones who take on more than our share, when we try to redistribute things, it’s not as easy as it sounds. When you’ve historically been the helper for the people around you, saying “no” once does not reset the narrative. It’s not a one-and-done in terms of fixing it. They’re not immediately going to say, “Oh, let’s do everything different now.” Change is possible, but it takes time, persistence, and sitting on your hands for a lot longer than you’ll feel comfortable when everybody expects you to respond differently.

So, is it about delegating? 


It is but more about saying, “I choose not to.” The hard part for helpers is for that to work, you have to be OK with the toy drive, or holiday party, or whatever not happening.

In the past, I waited until somebody else stepped in to take over the things that I was carrying, and that’s nice when that happens, but just because nobody else wants to do that thing doesn’t mean you have to keep doing it.

Speaking of saying “no,” there was a story that went viral a few months ago about a mother—dubbed Venmo Mom—who declared she’d only support her kid’s school monetarily. She dared to say no to cupcake baking and chaperoning class outings. It was not met with positively.

The systems we exist within, especially school systems, have existed on the unpaid labor of women for generations. Women are told it’s OK to say “no” once in a while, then one person does it, and she’s deemed selfish. It’s proof of what we’re talking about.

My favorite essay in the book is “Know Your Value,” about when you were an assistant to a famous actress while cultivating your own entertainment career. You ended up putting her life before yours, as many of us do with husbands, children, aging parents, as well as employers. It reminded me of the movie The Holiday when Eli Wallach asks Kate Winslet why she’s willing to be the sidekick in her life instead of the leading lady. Can you speak to that?

When this actress I assisted was saying, “I couldn’t manage without you,” I believed her. And I liked feeling indispensable.

But once you are seen as somebody who will give and give and give, there is no chance that the person on the other side will say, “I’ve asked too much of you already.” They’ll say, “You already do so much, now, can you do this one more thing?”

Where are you now when it comes to being happy to help? 


It’s definitely a work in progress, but I realized that just because I picked up the flag and did a little work doesn’t mean now I’m committed to this project for the next five years. I can put it down or walk away or not answer the email or the call to action and not make sure somebody else is doing it instead. That’s the part that I’ve learned to do recently. 


The world runs on Duncan and capable people, especially capable women. It’s up to us to reset how things are done.

“Happy to Help; Adventures of a People Pleaser” is available 1/7/25.

Lorraine Duffy Merlk is the author of three novels, most recently, “The Last Single Woman in New York City.”